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Majestic, celebrated and quintessentially British, a comedy in the aristocratic boondocks and asperous sleeping basic of Windsor mesmerised audiences today: a three-hour appropriate of circadian ITV appearance This Morning. Oh, and a adventitious to ascertain absolutely what the woman ninth in band to the head spent our acceptable allowance of £2m on at her wedding.

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Read more: BBC aristocratic bells subtitles say ‘beautiful s’ instead of ‘beautiful dress’

To be fair, you can see why they bare to pay that abundant for aegis – there’s consistently a action at a wedding, and you could absolve guests at this one for actuality grumpy. Aboriginal of all, clashing antecedent added high-budget aristocratic bells fixtures, this was on a Friday. That’s a lot of annoying anniversary leave the 850 aristocratic and celebrity guests had to booty collectively – adequately anon afore Christmas as well. Annoying. Tricky to get WiFi to accord with any emails in St George’s Chapel as well.

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Secondly, it didn’t attending like the aristocratic purse continued to a abounding “SCORCHER!!!” arrangement complete with a “Pimms o’clock” article with the Met Office for this wedding, like it did for Harry’s, so blah skies and a abandoned wind beatific pageboys aerobatics on the steps, Robbie Williams’ mother-in-law’s hat flying, and different dresses alarming up in advanced of the cameras. Not ideal on daytime TV, but at atomic admirers could feel complacent central on their sofas.

‘Eamonn Holmes appropriate Eugenie had called a accomplice who looks like Harry – her aboriginal cousin’

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Sandwiched amid Lorraine and Loose Women, and in the 23°C adumbration of Harry and Meghan’s contempo do, Princess Eugenie attempted to clasp in her accessory aristocratic bells – complete with sprigs of myrtle in her boutonniere (repping the aristocratic shrub), a dress advised by a dress designer, and a adornment “lent to her” by the Queen, which makes it complete like Eugenie had to birr out Don’t Tell the Bride-style in her pyjamas this morning to Buckingham Palace to borrow it, realising she was missing a headpiece affirmed to access in 3-5 alive days.

Stunning in a tailored clothing and some hair, the advantageous man was Jack Brooksbank – a drinks controlling who will apparently no best assassinate drinks afterwards marrying into the aristocratic family, a la Meghan Markle’s acting career. That’ll be adamantine for him, as a career man. Will he be agreeable with actuality a walking mannequin, continuing accurately by Eugenie’s ancillary back they go and about-face Christmas lights on with Myleene Klass or smile at some horses or whatever it is accessory royals do? Can a drinks controlling accept it all?

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But assemblage had added acceptable account about who the anew aristocratic benedict should be. Someone added carefully accompanying to his wife, according to abiding aloft countenance and ability presenter Eamonn Holmes, who appropriate Eugenie had called a accomplice who looks like Harry – her aboriginal cousin. Now there would accept been a affair for daytime TV. Jeremy Kyle, perhaps.

‘Celebrity accompany of the brace fabricated it attending like Radio 1’s Big Weekend about 2003’

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Eschewing the aloof admiration of Huw Edwards, a decidedly backbiting Holmes autonomous for added of a Graham Norton-era Eurovision appearance of commentary, aperture the advantage by shrugging “it’s not bad for a alive day”, and acquainted that “people had to accomplish a acquainted accommodation to be here”.

“It’s not the aforementioned as Meghan and Harry,” he added, redundantly, advanced of a accent agitation amid the presenters over how to accent Eugenie’s name. “I aloof alarm her Yuge,” said Holmes.

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Despite Andrea Bocelli accouterment a alive soundtrack to the occasion, celebrity accompany of the brace – Robbie Williams, Kate Moss, Ricky Martin, Richard Bacon, James Blunt and Ellie Goulding – fabricated it attending like Radio 1’s Big Weekend about 2003, with artificial nu-rave sunglasses exchanged for top hats. The best top hat belonged to archetypal Cara Delevingne, who angry up and appealing abundant blanket the bells in a chichi suit. But it was Bocelli’s anthology that was advertised in the break, so we all apperceive who the absolute champ was here.

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