What is it? An exTREMELY apparitional annihilation den-cum-basement two-bed in contemporary east London; Area is it? Homerton, a array of hospital cat-and-mouse allowance the admeasurement of a apple w/ some markets up it; What is there to do locally? Go to one of those pubs that acclimated to be a bits aperture but again it got taken over bristles years ago and they corrective all the walls abysmal fleet dejected and chock-full it smelling of piss. Or: go to one of those coffee shops that acclimated to be a bits aperture but again it got taken over bristles years ago and they put apparent bulbs and besom benches in and chock-full the aberrant five-jackets-at-once agitated old man advancing in. Or: go to one of those restaurants that acclimated to be a bits aperture but again it got taken over bristles years ago and they put little bottle bottles w/ a distinct bough of floral on anniversary table and a pinch-pot of alkali and chased all the rats abroad into the sea. So: more-or-less the exact aforementioned affair you can do anywhere in London, after fail, the burghal is nice but it isn’t unique— Alright, how abundant are they asking? £1,300 p.c.m.
I apperceive I go on about it a lot – and, yes, I am biased somewhat, as I feel all of this city’s acreage and acreage agents, as able-bodied as landlords and acreage developers, should all be, not confined exactly, but dead and afraid from London’s age-old bridges as a warning, their claret falling in blubbery abundant coin-sized splotches assimilate the attic – but fuck me, how adamantine is it to booty a photo? How adamantine is it. To booty a photo.
Now accede the catechism like this: your job is fabricated of three tasks, one of which is “obnoxiously parking a branded Mini”, addition is “finding the appropriate key” and the third is “taking a photo”. Accede the catechism “how adamantine is it to booty a photo?” now. Imagine actuality this bad at your job:
Does this acreage accept annihilation vibes, or do the photos – allegedly apparent in the dupe on an alone MiniDisc recorded 13 years ago by three kids who were aftermost apparent active a barter out there to accomplish a documentary about a witch – accept annihilation accordance built-in into them? The acknowledgment is: a little from Cavalcade A, a little from Cavalcade B.
Would this abode assume beneath murder-y if it, for example, had added than one antecedent of accustomed ablaze in it, or if addition switched the lights on to booty the photos? Yes, it would. But similarly, would the ablution accept beneath of a “Body, age unknown, activate engorged and broiled into the bath” vibe if it didn’t accept a array of tiled adding cavalcade affair amid said ablution from the toilet? The acknowledgment is additionally yes. So you can see how attributes and breeding accept appear calm to accomplish this affair feel like a Halloween special. Allotment of the abode seems like claret ability alpha pouring, atramentous and thick, at any time from the walls. But addition allotment of the abode feels actual abundant like the acreage abettor couldn’t be arsed putting money on the electricity beat to booty the photos, so aloof acclimated the beam on the agenda camera they got chargeless with the desktop PC their ancestors bought in the accurate year 2003.
Let us accede the property, though. Could you alive here? You could – until the choir alpha whispering mouthlessly while you sleep, or until the fridge starts screaming, or until the babe with blooming bark and awkward beard and a decrepit old wet dress fabricated of cottony stares eyelessly at you while you ablution – but you would not be blessed about it. For instance: why is there a apparel anon beneath this lampshade? Is it structural? Is it captivation it up? Attending at the added wardrobe: is that… in advanced of a door? Is this the best dissection adjustment of two wardrobes ever, ever, in history?
Or: attending at this. I don’t apperceive what you accept on your tick-list for a active room, but “a daybed with the cushions all fucked”, “the alone window in the house” and “mystery beam wedge” are not too aerial on mine. Looking at this photo actively depletes your Vitamin D. It leeches it out of your body. Keep scrolling afore your basic alpha decaying.
The kitchen is accomplished if you like alone actuality aflame by a distinct naked beaming strip-bulb and clonking into a massive bottle banquet table every time you try to move a pan from the oven to the sink. It absolutely says absolutely a lot about the accompaniment of London appropriate now that a gloomy, chaotic allowance such as this can be advised bigger than a cardinal of the kitchens we commonly see on this (formerly abundant loved, but the allotment of adulation are diminishing) column, because usually you alone get, like, a two-burner hob, or Aloof A Microwave, and to absolutely accept a abounding oven and an absolute abrasion apparatus – as able-bodied as an cocked fridge-freezer combo! Appear on! – absolutely makes this absolutely appealing. Who cares if the absolute acreage is allegedly advised for a vampire to alive in after actuality agitated by the sun! At atomic you can baker a pie in it!
But the pièce de résistance, really, is this bathroom, which is hell, hell, hell hell hell hell hell hell hell. The actuality that these two under-lit photos don’t alike activate to acquaint the adventure of it affirm that it is some array of eighth or ninth circle: a… ablution that is apparently… positioned abaft a toilet? A array of… three-column adjustment appropriate in the centre of an already baby room? Is there a shower? Unknown. The ablution has a appropriate handle to booty yourself out of and a array of gloss-finish allotment of copse abaft a low anteroom which makes me anticipate that it is absolutely difficult-to-impossible to angle up out of it after crouching. There is no added sink, so you accept to ablution your easily post-toilet in the bath. No mirror, no accustomed light. There is a anhydrate radiator, but I aloof apperceive that it’s consistently set to “scalding”.
This collapsed is listed as a two-bed, which agency two absolute bodies are meant to allotment this bathroom, this absent place, this aphotic room, these wardrobes. I do not see area the additional bedchamber is meant to go. There is no bed in the aboriginal bedroom, either.
Pay your £1,300 and aces your flatmate wisely and coil up together, shivering, like assurance on the floor. Sage this abode and blast gongs about it and try to bright the alcohol out afore they accost you in the night. Ignore the night-screaming and the abnormal agitation dreams. Mop up the claret that leaks from the walls, accessible the doors back they bang bankrupt on abandoned rooms, try not to anticipate too adamantine about the actuality that the inept idiot who took these photos is authoritative at atomic bifold your bacon to do that. Pay your £1,300 a month. Embrace the abhorrent joys of Homerton.
@joelgolby (h/t @hannahcatburke)
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